Is Everyone Laughing At Me?

I had a beautiful spa treatment yesterday. Along with my facial I had a Chakra cleansing massage.

An intricate dance of meditation techniques, energy assessments, massage, oils and crystals placed at the energy centres, our seven chakras along the body.

Her original assesment was that my solar plexus chakra,  throat chakra and third eye chakra were unbalanced and that’s what she would focus on.

She asked if I felt restricted in my personal power in anyway, unable to speak my thoughts and opinions and if I felt restricted in my ability to be intuitive about my own life.

I’m a bit of a thinker and I don’t react particularly fast to assessments like these. So I just hmmmed and slightly nodded my head. She probably just thought that I thought this was all a bit crazy and woo-woo but I was searching in my mind and heart for links to these things she was saying.

I was so relaxed and grounded afterwards, it was a beautiful treatment. I tried to concentrate on being in the moment instead of floating away with my thoughts and I was somewhat successful.

Afterwards during tea she came over to me and said that she felt something that she needed to say during the treatment.

She said, “I felt like you feel like everyone is laughing at you.” I hmmmed and nodded slightly and gave her a quizzical look. She then said, “I just like to tell clients if I do feel anything in case it resonates.”

As I do, I thought, reflected, meditated and now am writing on this thought.

Do I think that everyone is laughing at me? Is this some crazy psuedo-psychic message that she tells everyone or does this feel  true for me.

You know what?

I think she’s right. And I’m feeling this in my solar plexus area right now as I write this. It kind of hurts.

I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be light and free and not care what anyone thinks.

But I think it’s true.

I think that each step out of my own boxed in way of seeing the world that I may be laughed at.

I hid my meditation for a while, even in my own home. I didn’t want to be laughed at.

I read three entire books on the weekend about feminine vs masculine energy and I didn’t say a word to anyone about it even though I’m fascinated with the topic.

Sometimes I write posts where I feel so exposed that I am just waiting for a comment saying, “C’mon, do you really believe that?That’s not true.” Except it hasn’t happened.

Each step further out of my own boxed in life has led to me feeling more and more like myself and people accepting me unconditionally.

But that fear. That deep feeling that I will be laughed at persists each time I step my toe over the line of “normal”.

I am different. I am unique.

I wouldn’t want to be anything else. But it’s scary putting yourself out there isn’t it?

It’s scary trying to forge your own path instead of following everyone else’s.

I literally finished a video on how to sharpen your intuition and really tune into yourself the morning of the treatment. I went to a speech coach to ask for help on a presentation I’ve got coming up because even though I am confident in writing what I am feeling, I don’t seem to say what I want to say.

But this fear that is hampering my intuitive thoughts and constricting my ability to speak my truth is coming from lower down. It’s coming from the restriction (that I have put on myself) in my own personal power. Because of fear. Because of fear that I could be laughed at.

I love uncovering this stuff because once its come to light at least I can work on it. Be more conscious of the fact that this is all a little ridiculous and so what? It shouldn’t affect me that people think I’m different. It shouldn’t stop me from being my true self and doing the things I want to do.

So I’ve got work to do.

I’m writing this because maybe it will also resonate with you. Maybe you have had situations in your life where you just didn’t do what you want. Out of fear.

Fear of failure.

But ultimately fear of failure is scary because you fear if you fail you will be laughed it.

That wouldn’t be nice, but in the majority of cases it wouldn’t even be true!

We need to be brave. We need to be in the arena.

As far as I know I don’t even have any critics. I have these phantom critics I have made up in my own head to stop me from personal growth.

I’ll leave you with a quote from one of my favourite author’s Brene Brown.