I just had the weirdest experience.
Today, after recovering from a 24 hour virus, I”m back to myself but for a while there…whoa…I felt unbalanced, unhappy and slightly unhinged.
It totally reminded me of this post about Melissa Ambrosini’s inner mean girl, which said to her, on constant replay, “Your thighs are fat. Your skin is dull.” …“You’re never going to earn the type of money you want. Financial freedom won’t happen for you. You’re not smart enough.” …“Who do you think you are helping people? No one is going to listen to you. Writing books HAHA good one.”…“She’s prettier than you. She’s skinnier than you. You’re not good enough.”
It was crazy.
Mine was a little different, it went like this, “You’re never going to finish writing your book…how did you ever think you would? Your just reading books and letting your kids watch TV all day BAD Mummy, they are not getting any stimulation, excitement or fun, Julian will probably never learn to read because YOU can’t be bothered teaching him, look at that organic food box, full to the brim, yet you just keep ordering TAKE AWAY, you’ll never finish it, how do you ever think that you would, kids need WHOLESOME food, you can’t even cook.”
I think it was the virus. I think I had the unhappiness virus. It took and it took from me and then it took my confidence. I was deflated, unhappy, miserable and just wanted to crawl into bed but when you have kids and a husband who can’t cook that is very, very hard to do. My husband came home and tried to run my ship his way but it didn’t work. Then he tried to intern under my tutelage and it got even worse, not only the kids were screaming but now I was.
When you have a life, there is no time to be sick. We still had a gardener coming for a once a year make-over, the dogs had been booked in for vaccinations and grooms for months and my husband had a specialist appointment for a dislocated finger.
Life goes on, even if the ship is sinking.
I am so grateful for it though. It showed me some of the weakness in my armour (ie: teach hubby to cook a few meals) and pointed out that sometimes I can be quite the martyr (I headed off to bunnings to get passionfruit plants – cause who else was gonna do it?).
But today is different.
I woke up this morning with Julian in our bed. The first thing he said to me was, “Mummy, I love you.”
What a beautiful thing to hear first thing in the morning. The three of us giggled and cuddled and my inner mean girl said to me,
YOU KNOW WHAT? SOMETIMES YOU ARE SO WRONG. YOU ARE DOING A BLOODY GOOD JOB AS A MUM AND LIFE IS PRETTY DAMN PERFECT.
Oh and here is a picture of my kids making their own fun, as they always do….
This is me ALL the time at the moment. My inner mean girl is going ballistic at me. I want her to bugger off and let me read my book while the kid watches TV. Maybe I’ve got the long drawn out version of your virus!?!?!
I love your posts Nicola! They are beautiful, open, honest and real with humour swirled in, sooo looking forward to your book xxx ps. glad you are feeling a bit better xxx
Thanks honey! That is so sweet.
We absolutely all have these moments…days…weeks. I hope you are feeling better soon xxx
And you are very brave…I would NEVER admit to going to Bunnings voluntarily 😉
I think it’s pretty normal to have a dose of the unhappy virus after being sick – and just like the 24 hr tummy bug, it too shall pass!