The Parent I Want To Be

I am always learning.

Sometimes it gets a little uncomfortable when you realise the chasm between who you are now and where you want to go.

I’m reading a book called Conscious Parenting by Dr Shefali Tsabary at the moment.

I don’t read parenting books that tell me when my children should go to bed or what routine they should follow but I do read anything that can point the way to growth of who I am as a person and who I am as a Mother.

Conscious parenting is about parenting from love not fear. About a month before reading this book I wrote this post called F**K We Are Parenting Wrong which pretty much sums it up.

That was the moment I realised I was parenting out of fear of who they would become if I failed them. 

I was parenting out of fear of how they would behave if I didn’t pull them into line

I was parenting out of fear that they would not represent who I was as a parent 

I was parenting out of fear that they would show the world my mistakes

Instead of fully loving them for who they are now.

Instead of finding solutions together.

Instead of giving them respect and asking them questions about things I would bend them to my will, right or wrong.

And then I’d feel guilt. For the parent I knew I could be but wasn’t. That makes me feel helpless and fearful and the opposite of that is control.

So the next minute I’d try to control – helplessly failing as doors slammed and tears poured out, mine and theirs.

Conscious parenting is about giving children boundaries and freedom. Asking them opinions on rules that are not so important and making sure that you are following through on rules that keep them safe and function as a respectable member of our culture.

Being the authority when you need to be and being consistent.

God I’m not consistent. I constantly go back on my word, throw out bribes and throw up my hands in despair shouting, “Fine just have your way!”.

I am tired. This motherhood thing can pull you under some days. My husband and I laughed last night and suggested we needed a live in psychologist – what do we do now? In this situation? For this particular child? What worked in the past is no longer working!

I accept where I am. I am grateful for all Motherhood has taught me but I want to work smarter not harder.

The parent I want to be has more respect and in turn respects my children more.

The parent I want to be encourages my children to pitch into the family more. To determine solutions to the problems we are having. to let them have a say. Because then they are invested. Then they are valued.

The hierarchical model of parenting works great if you want rebellious teens or well-behaved kids that feel like they can make no decisions for themselves.

I want my children to have boundaries that allow them freedom to be themselves. A respectful, peaceful household full of fun and laughter and sharing of the workload.

I am writing my wish list to the Universe and hope for the grace and growth necessary to make it happen.

 

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