You’ve been complaining a lot.
You whinge about your children. Your house. How busy you are. The activities you take your kids to. The amount of time they “need” you. Your lack of sleep.
You complain about the holiday you just took where you couldn’t relax and you complain about the amount of time you had to spend at the shops prior to Christmas. You complain about the weather, you complain about your husband.
You are justified. You are righteous. You are the victim in every story.
These things have been done to you and you need to be soothed, cajoled, reassured that you are justified, you are right and you are the victim.
You’ve spoken about these things with multiple people and they have reinforced your position and shared their own complaints.
You have fired up for them and given them advice for the would’ve, could’ve, should’ves.
If you are feeling uncomfortable right now thinking I’m talking about you…please be rest assured I am not.
I haven’t been in your house judging you, taking notes and saving up every comment you make for my blog.
Like most of the things I write here – I’m talking about me.
I don’t think I complain a lot…I feel I am an optimistic, happy, calm person.
But you know what? For a zen chick – I sure complain a lot.
When I lost my baby girl Sophia – I felt guilty.
Do you have any idea how much complaining I did when I was pregnant? Jesus. If I could only have my time over again I would bless each day like the miracle it is.
And when I got pregnant again with Leo?
Jesus I complained a lot.
Couldn’t help myself.
For some reason this style of communication is preferable in society. We bond over this.
Rarely do you hear me say outloud – Yesterday I had a really special moment with Julian. Today I was a kick-ass Mum because. Daniel and I had such a good conversation yesterday – God I love that man.
In terms of our general disposition this is bad news. We are reinforcing that life’s downs are more important than the ups.
But its not just us.
Most of us are in charge of little people. Little people who are hearing, seeing and doing more than we know. They hear us and model our behaviour.
I don’t believe happiness is found in complaining.
We get annoyed at them for complaining they are bored. We get annoyed at them for complaining that they are not getting enough and not appreciating what they have.
We need to start taking some of our own advice. Monkey see monkey do.
1. Awareness. Becoming of aware of exactly how much you complain is eye-opening. You can’t change anything without awareness.
2. Speak about the positives. I want to hear about your children’s achievements, your awesome night out with your husband and the best bit of your last meal. I promise I won’t find it intimidating, competitive or narcissistic.
3. Stop judging. Be aware when you are being judgmental of others and just let them be. You can never stand in their shoes and don’t know what they are going through.
4. Vent when you need to. When I say stop complaining – I don’t mean ignore huge life negatives or feelings – you need to vent and talk through things – I’m mostly talking about the day-to-day “woe is me in my amazingly blessed life” kind of stuff.
5. Don’t respond to complaining with complaining. Be the change. Either change the subject, speak up or stay quiet depending on your company.
6. Let it go. Sometimes things can’t be changed and complaining about it will not help.
7. Be more assertive. Maybe you’d complain less if you did more about the situations that are annoying you?
8. Be honest. Own your mistakes, take responsibility for things.
9. Know that this too shall pass. Babies become teenagers and will eventually sleep more than you would believe. Life’s lemons sometimes become the best thing that ever happened to you. Give it time.
10. Stay present. What is happening right now? Your kids are happily playing with others so there is no need to dredge up the past and assume that won’t happen for long….. or maybe you are having a beautiful dinner so there is no need to bring up the last time when you’re waitress forgot your dessert and the coffee. Be in the moment.
Ok so this stopped me from writing the post about my horror night. With little sleep, no me time after 8pm and pee in my bed I was about to huff and puff and stomp all over this post like an angry toddler.
But I took a breath and with some awareness realised that wouldn’t help anything.
But this post has helped me.
And I hope it will help you.
Let’s change the world.
Great perspective! I am so happy to have your writing back in my life. I appreciate the baby steps approach you promote. It’s too hard to change everything at once, but that doesn’t mean that small changes can make a huge difference.
I am glad to have you comments back in my life. You made my day thank you 🙂
Thankyou, I have been having a terrible time in my marriage the last few years and even though I don’t know if it is fixable and maybe this is the end but the way I have been, so miserable, so negative, I’m heading in a way that I will not only lose my husband but my friends too. I will need them more later if it doesn’t get any better. And the kids need a better me than I have been able to give.
So so sorry to hear you are having a hard time. We get through things how we get through and awareness comes when we need it. When we get space to think and be with ourselves. You are doing the best you can in the situation x