Missing: Sleep

I’ve lost it.

The handle.

The one I used to have on my life.

It’s shiny, cool and solid. It makes me feel good to hold it.

But it’s gone.

I lost it sometime between the coffee and the drinks on Saturday night.

I remember drinking a coffee at 5pm when headed out to a ball to have a great night (I’m usually in bed by 9:30pm so this is a strategy to keep me pepped up) then I made a juice – with enough leftover for the next morning – and then went out.

I had a few wines and champagne then headed onto the dance floor by ten and didn’t touch another drop.

I was home and asleep by two pm. I had plans to drink the juice when I got up around 8am, then pop to the bakery for croissants,  then go get the kids.

Instead I woke up wide-eyed at 5am and couldn’t get back to sleep. My brain raced for strategies on how to fix this problem and what it would mean for the day ahead.

I zombied walked through my day and didn’t go to book club. I let the kids do whatever they wanted  and there was no time to lie down. I tucked myself in bed by 8:30 that night and sighed with relief.

Then Leo woke at 5am. So much for a catch up sleep.

I downed two coffees and said yes to a third whilst at sport with Julian. ALl before 10am.

I went to bed at 10pm and woke at 12am.

I tried everything, chamomile tea, read a book, meditated, counted sheep, got up for a while, ate food.

I finally drifted off at 4am and woke dazed and confused at 6:30am.

I gave coffee a miss and drank about seven herbal teas instead. I hydrated, I balanced, I curled up in a ball so the kids couldn’t find me…..

I tried to lie down but nothing. No sleep.

Finally, last night, sleep came back to me. It was awesome.

But you know that hung-over feeling you get the day after you missed sleep? That’s me.

Then Julian refused to get in the water at swimming. My fuzzed up brain grappled to find anything that would get him in that pool, I yelled, I threatened, I tried to get him excited about the pool activities, I tried and tried and then gave up.

Now I had to go through with my threats.

My Mum took Leo instead of him out on an activity; he has no TV today (punishment for me); his new Turtle DVD has been confiscated until further notice and there are no treats in sight for him.

I punished him by dragging him to three different shops to find a throw for our couch and then he had a tuna, carrot,cucumber wrap for lunch and a beetroot juice.

He is surprisingly upbeat.

He has no idea that his Mum is on the verge of a break down and a break up…..

I think coffee and I are having some problems.


  1. I have a real issue with caffeine too – very sensitive. I don’t drink the real stuff anymore because it mucks up my sleep (and often made me anxious as well). I have found green tea and chocolate can keep me awake at night too.

    The alcohol might have thrown you out of balance as well…I believe you don’t sleep as deeply with it. That and the fact you went to sleep at 2am instead of your normal 9.30 has probably contributed. Hope you get back into routine soon and feel better.

    My hubby and I find that if we have had broken sleep due to the kids, it is always the day AFTER we catch up on sleep that we feel our worst.

  2. Sleep has been witholding itself from me of late also. It is such a viscious cycle Coffee = no sleep = need more coffee. Clearly it is all in Coffee’s favour!

  3. I have one coffee a day and I love it but I have to be really careful I don’t add any other caffeine to my diet during the day – (eg green tea), or I find myself in a similar situation. I hope you have a beautiful slumber tonight x

  4. Well, you know about my history with coffee! It keeps me awake, it makes me anxious and talk like I’m on speed but still, I indulge. I think though, after several years of sleep deprivation, it might just take one thing to break the camels back, so to speak. Now my kids sleep through most nights but I only sleep from midnight until 6am…not sure if that will ever change now, I’m ruined!

  5. I’ve had 2 coffees in my 35 years, both were when I was in my early 20’s. first one – was like being on speed (so I’ve heard) second one was a test run…still not good! Thank god I don’t have that vice as I’m a light sleeper as it is….so when I’m on my 3rd wine some nights, I can arch an eyebrow and think….well at least I don’t drink coffee! 😉

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