I’ve lost it.
The one I used to have on my life.
It’s shiny, cool and solid. It makes me feel good to hold it.
But it’s gone.
I lost it sometime between the coffee and the drinks on Saturday night.
I remember drinking a coffee at 5pm when headed out to a ball to have a great night (I’m usually in bed by 9:30pm so this is a strategy to keep me pepped up) then I made a juice – with enough leftover for the next morning – and then went out.
I had a few wines and champagne then headed onto the dance floor by ten and didn’t touch another drop.
I was home and asleep by two pm. I had plans to drink the juice when I got up around 8am, then pop to the bakery for croissants, then go get the kids.
Instead I woke up wide-eyed at 5am and couldn’t get back to sleep. My brain raced for strategies on how to fix this problem and what it would mean for the day ahead.
I zombied walked through my day and didn’t go to book club. I let the kids do whatever they wanted and there was no time to lie down. I tucked myself in bed by 8:30 that night and sighed with relief.
Then Leo woke at 5am. So much for a catch up sleep.
I downed two coffees and said yes to a third whilst at sport with Julian. ALl before 10am.
I went to bed at 10pm and woke at 12am.
I tried everything, chamomile tea, read a book, meditated, counted sheep, got up for a while, ate food.
I finally drifted off at 4am and woke dazed and confused at 6:30am.
I gave coffee a miss and drank about seven herbal teas instead. I hydrated, I balanced, I curled up in a ball so the kids couldn’t find me…..
I tried to lie down but nothing. No sleep.
Finally, last night, sleep came back to me. It was awesome.
But you know that hung-over feeling you get the day after you missed sleep? That’s me.
Then Julian refused to get in the water at swimming. My fuzzed up brain grappled to find anything that would get him in that pool, I yelled, I threatened, I tried to get him excited about the pool activities, I tried and tried and then gave up.
Now I had to go through with my threats.
My Mum took Leo instead of him out on an activity; he has no TV today (punishment for me); his new Turtle DVD has been confiscated until further notice and there are no treats in sight for him.
I punished him by dragging him to three different shops to find a throw for our couch and then he had a tuna, carrot,cucumber wrap for lunch and a beetroot juice.
He is surprisingly upbeat.
He has no idea that his Mum is on the verge of a break down and a break up…..
I think coffee and I are having some problems.