Diary Of A Toilet Trainer

My blog has been a barren wasteland. My fingers two vessels filled with seemingly nothing to say .

But I’ve been busy.

An amazing girls holiday, a revival and re-acquaintance with all that is healthy after 28 long weeks of pregnancy, obviously growing a human inside my body (shucks, it’s nothing) and oh yeah, toilet training.

The kid was ready.

I’d done it before with the first child so I knew what I was in for…it was going to be a piece of…hell.

It was going to be hell.

I put it off another week.

Then another week.

Then another.

The kid took his own nappy off. The kid sat himself on toilet. The kid pooed and peed as we clapped on the occasions he did so.

Still Mummy did not take those nappies away.

But six months later Mummy felt…nowhere near ready but with a firm commitment and armed with five days worth of rest and restoration from afore mentioned girls trip away, I commenced.

Day 3 – Stuck in the Trenches 

4am:  Awake – its a beautiful day, I’m excited about life. Why the f”k can’t I get back to sleep.

6am:  He awakes, “Mummy I need undies.”

Smiling (as I am obvious a toileting genius) I whip the nappy off and put on some undies (old – ready to throw away at a moments Number 2 notice).

6:10: Put child on toilet. Clap as he pees.

7am: Throw first pair of undies in wash. Clean up puddle in playroom.

7:20: Throw second pair of undies in wash. Clean up puddle in playroom.

7:35: Put child on toilet. Nada.

7:40: Throw third pair of undies in wash. Clean up puddle in playroom.

Make lunches, cook breakfast, get first kid dressed, bring down five more pairs of undies, get showered, get dressed.

8:00: Put child on toilet.

8:05: Change fourth pair of undies and clean up puddle in playroom.

8:20: Throw out some undies with smelly contents. Clean up puddle in playroom.

School run.

9:20: Put kid on toilet.

9:30: Put kid on toilet.

9:40: Change undies. Clean up puddle in playroom.

10:30: Clap for seemingly non-existent pee in toilet.

10:40:  Change undies. Clean up puddle in playroom.

All is quiet.

12:00:  Step in puddle in playroom.

12:30: Put pull-up on him and take him out to an appointment.

3:20: Take dry pull up off after school pick up. Clap for a pee in the toilet. Put on undies.

4:00:  Clean up puddle in playroom. Kid wants to put on undies himself.

Lie down on couch.

4:20: “Mummy I pooed.” Prepare for more undie throwing out except kid has put undies on by putting both legs in one hole. Clean up mess.

4-7pm: Kid takes himself out to grass four times to pee and refuses to go on toilet. Obviously has mastered self-control and timing of pee.

I am obviously a toilet-training genius. Pat self on back. Happily whip the nappy on for bedtime and put kid down.

9pm: Put self down.

10:30: Awaken to child number one peeing on the floor of our bathroom. Step in pee. Clean up bathroom. Get kid new pyjamas.

11pm: Finish writing down day and repeat mantra: “Daddy is toilet-training the third kid. Daddy is toilet training the third kid.”, so I am able to get back to sleep.