Stop Your Complaining

You’ve been complaining a lot.

You whinge about your children. Your house. How busy you are. The activities you take your kids to. The amount of time they “need” you. Your lack of sleep.

You complain about the holiday you just took where you couldn’t relax and you complain about the amount of time you had to spend at the shops prior to Christmas. You complain about the weather, you complain about your husband.

You are justified. You are righteous. You are the victim in every story.

These things have been done to you and you need to be soothed, cajoled, reassured that you are justified, you are right and you are the victim.

You’ve spoken about these things with multiple people and they have reinforced your position and shared their own complaints.

You have fired up for them and given them advice for the would’ve, could’ve, should’ves.

If you are feeling uncomfortable right now thinking I’m talking about you…please be rest assured I am not.

I haven’t been in your house judging you, taking notes and saving up every comment you make for my blog.

Like most of the things I write here – I’m talking about me.

Only me.

I don’t think I complain a lot…I feel I am an optimistic, happy, calm person.

But you know what? For a zen chick – I sure complain a lot.

When I lost my baby girl Sophia – I felt guilty.

Do you have any idea how much complaining I did when I was pregnant? Jesus. If I could only have my time over again I would bless each day like the miracle it is.

And when I got pregnant again with Leo?

Jesus I complained a lot.

Couldn’t help myself.

For some reason this style of communication is preferable in society. We bond over this.

Rarely do you hear me say outloud – Yesterday I had a really special moment with Julian. Today I was a kick-ass Mum because. Daniel and I had such a good conversation yesterday – God I love that man.

In terms of our general disposition this is bad news. We are reinforcing that life’s downs are more important than the ups.

But its not just us.

Most of us are in charge of little people. Little people who are hearing, seeing and doing more than we know. They hear us and model our behaviour.

I don’t believe happiness is found in complaining.

We get annoyed at them for complaining they are bored. We get annoyed at them for complaining that they are not getting enough and not appreciating what they have.

We need to start taking some of our own advice. Monkey see monkey do.

 But how? 

1. Awareness. Becoming of aware of exactly how much you complain is eye-opening. You can’t change anything without awareness.

2. Speak about the positives. I want to hear about your children’s achievements, your awesome night out with your husband and the best bit of your last meal. I promise I won’t find it intimidating, competitive or narcissistic. 

3. Stop judging. Be aware when you are being judgmental of others and just let them be. You can never stand in their shoes and don’t know what they are going through. 

4. Vent when you need to. When I say stop complaining – I don’t mean ignore huge life negatives or feelings – you need to vent and talk through things – I’m mostly talking about the day-to-day “woe is me in my amazingly blessed life” kind of stuff.

5.  Don’t respond to complaining with complaining. Be the change. Either change the subject, speak up or stay quiet depending on your company.

6.  Let it go. Sometimes things can’t be changed and complaining about it will not help. 

7. Be more assertive. Maybe you’d complain less if you did more about the situations that are annoying you? 

8. Be honest. Own your mistakes, take responsibility for things. 

9. Know that this too shall pass. Babies become teenagers and will eventually sleep more than you would believe. Life’s lemons sometimes become the best thing that ever happened to you. Give it time. 

10. Stay present. What is happening right now? Your kids are happily playing with others so there is no need to dredge up the past and assume that won’t happen for long….. or maybe you are having a beautiful dinner so there is no need to bring up the last time when you’re waitress forgot your dessert and the coffee. Be in the moment. 

Ok so this stopped me from writing the post about my horror night. With little sleep, no me time after 8pm and pee in my bed I was about to huff and puff and stomp all over this post like an angry toddler.

But I took a breath and with some awareness realised that wouldn’t help anything.

But this post has helped me.

And I hope it will help you.

Let’s change the world.

Today I Cried

Because I am not a perfect Mother

Because I got angry at my kids

Because I knew that I was in a bad mood and couldn’t prevent it

Because life didn’t go as planned

Because I’m pregnant and hormonal

Because I’ve gone through pregnancy like this before, with all it’s ups and downs, and my baby didn’t survive

Because I’m tired

Because I woke up with a kid in my bed and an ache in my back

Because I can’t do it all

Because I don’t want to do it all

Because I turned on the TV for my kids

Because I have no reason

Because some days its too much

Because some days its all to the same

Because some days the kids just want to fight each other

Because some days they just want to fight me

Because some days I have no fight left

Today I cried because I can. Because tears are a luxury that clear the way for a better view of life. Because they remove emotions that have been stagnant and stale and need to be expelled from my body.

Because salt water cures everything.

Because a good cry heals.

Because sometimes it’s the only way you can let go.

 

How To Become One Healthy Mama

We have written a book for you!

We also put a website together as a tool to further your healthy endeavours and build a community of like-minded Mama’s.

Our website Beonehealthmama.com is now live!!!!

When you sign up to receive blogs from us at http://beonehealthymama.com/blog-2/ we are gifting you a FREE E-Book called The Yogic Housewife’s Guide To Being.

I wrote this book after the stillbirth of my daughter Sophia. I realised that Sophia’s presence in my life was a blessing. A much needed shake-up of my life and a change to my perception of reality. I realised I have an amazing life.  I realised dreams are possible to achieve.  I realised that each and every one of us has more love in our lives than we know.

I have passed on this blessing to you. I’d love you to go over and check out our new website and the book and let me know what you think.

Why did we write the book How To Become One Healthy Mama? 

Because we walked into a healthy eating seminar that changed our lives.

We were horrified to hear that our healthy eating habits weren’t so healthy after all.

As Mother’s we know the time and effort it takes to make the meals in the first place – never mind the sacrifice to give up full fat items and eat things that taste as horrible as they sound. But….they are healthy.

Not so.

Most of the marketed “healthy” food out there is full of additives and preservatives and little real, whole food.

The seminar rocked our world and as we rocked our babies to sleep we started changing the way we shopped, what we stocked in our pantry and where we got the majority of our groceries from.

Guess what?

Real food tastes better. It’s better for your health, your waistline and your wallet.

Our book, How To Become One Healthy Mama, takes you through our journey from a conventional diet to an organic, toxin-reduced lifestyle.

We’ll walk you through the nastiest items on the shelves through to the most delicious. We will show you how to change over your pantry and tell you how our families took the news that their favourite items were no longer stocked in our kitchens.

We have recipes in there for you to follow and tips on how to lead an all-round healthier lifestyle.

We are so grateful that we made it to that seminar – it changed our lives and we want to pass on that blessing and change yours. Did we mention you will be eating delicious food?

The book is out very, very soon and we are super-excited to show it to you.

You can get a taste of our lifestyle and what we eat by having a look around our website and checking out the links to our favourite products and services.

For social media updates you can like Be One Healthy Mama on Facebook or Pinterest or Twitter or Instagram  

Enjoy!

Who Am I?

I’ve been wanting to rewrite this hastily written post for a while.

Who Am I? It’s a big question with no easy answer. How do you define yourself outside of the normal, “I’m a Mum, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend” parameters?

This weekend I read a blog that has inspired me entitlted More than a Mum. She had read similar blogs that inspired her to celebrate herself in a blog.

So that’s what I am going to do.

I am a Scottish-born lass from the clan McDonald, maiden name Donald.

My parents immigrated to Australia when I was just two years old so I feel pretty Australian!!

I was blessed to grow up in a loving household with all we ever needed. My Grandparents immigrated when I was in primary school and then we had even more love.

I grew up an avid reader and would read any books I could get my hands on, from The Sweet Valley Twins to Stephen King.

I had a great time in High School starting with a romance in year 8 that lasted until year 10…making us a kind of golden couple. My High School experience was capped off by making friends with a girl who is still my BFF today…and lives next door.

After high school I started a degree in Mass Communications…maybe I could be a journalist? It took me a couple of classes to realise that I hated annoying people…or even bothering them so I switched to English where I majored in Creative Writing (surprise, surprise) and coupled that with the more stable and career-orientated Public Relations.

As you can imagine there was only one class I really looked forward to…and I didn’t really make the most of my time at Uni. I spent most of it working all hours at my part-time job and had very limited contact time on campus.

I moved to London in 2001 where the love of my life had gone and we started the life-long task of learning to live in harmony with one another.

We had a lot in common, despite our differences and we both knew how to have a good time.

We also wanted to see the world and were fortunate enough to see quite a lot of it….without hanging out in youth hostels (cue massive debt but travel perfection).

I completed another degree in History and Political Science whilst I lived in London and held down a full-time job that bored the pants off me.

We returned to Perth via some very awesome destinations in 2003……

We were desperate to keep up the travelling but horrified at the massive cost that ensued getting anywhere from little ol’ Perth… it was totally worth it at the time….especially to get up close with things like this but…..

We gave up and bought an apartment….and travelled closer to home…..(a hardship)

We got married…..

Honeymooned…..

And swam with sharks….

I wrote a couple of (unpublished) novels….

Got pregnant…..

And had kids………

My life changed when I became a Mother but who I am did not. I lost a daughter at 32 weeks gestation (in between my two boys) and I was devastated but I am strong and I made her death mean something to me.

I live better because of her.

Ultimately I pinch myself  myself because I get to live the life I love.

Does this explain who I am?

Not really, but explains why I am who I am.

I am a woman who believes in love, feels love and has love.

I am a woman who is kind, dreamy and happy.

I am a woman with dreams of writing incredible novels…novels that will matter to the world and leave an impact.

I am a woman whose chest swells with pride when I think about my kids and whose heart bursts with happiness at the thought of my husband, family, friends and the life I have created.

I am a woman who wants fun, adventure. happiness, travel, laughter and love to follow me all through my days.

Even if I am not all of these things at all times, this is the essence of me.

[The good photos are by Dana Gallop of Bloom Pixels and Leon Mead (wedding shots)]

The Inner Cheerleader

Today’s Mantra: Live and be happy

This week I’ve found myself talking differently.

Not out loud, but to myself.

And I realised something.

Surrounding myself with positive books and websites has changed my inner voice.

A visit to the Children’s Hospital on Monday night with poor little Julian, left me waiting for hours with a sleeping, feverish child. I took my Ipad and finished off the Kris Carr, Crazy, Sexy Diet book and then re-read the Wellness Warrior’s Make Peace With Your Plate.

The books are full of positive encouragement and have some awesome tips on getting healthier but I didn’t realise this morning that they are re-wiring me.

It hit me as I worked the coffee machine. I started to think, “Really shouldn’t be having this, wish I could have the willpower for a herbal tea instead…” when I got cut off. Out of nowhere I heard, “Why shouldn’t you gorgeous? You have been doing some great things with your diet and really feeling the benefits. You can’t change everything at once.”

Pretty happy with that assessment I scrolled through my to do list and heard a gentle, “Do what you can, what excites you the most, what will make you happy today.” The crazy thing? I meant it. Yes maybe it’s Kris Carr’s voice for now that I am hearing  or someone else but eventually I will take ownership of it and this voice will be mine.

It makes sense for positive books to make you happier. I find when I read too many dark, criminal novels that I feel scared more often and I have nightmares. So I shouldn’t be surprised.

Your reality comes from your thoughts and your thoughts are created by your environment.

 

Do you know that the way you speak to your children becomes their inner voice?

I am really trying to be more conscious of how I address them and even what I say to them when they are in trouble.  So I checked out a few ways that I can become my kids inner cheerleader here:

  • Be kind and respectful.  Speak to your child the way you would want your child to speak to him- or herself.  Connect with your child and use positive, uplifting, and affirming words and messages.
  • Model positive self-talk. Let your child hear you use self-talk to deal with challenging situations. For example, if someone is rude to you, you could say, “I can choose my response. I will take a deep breath and then decide what to do.”
  • Model how to change negative self-talk. When you catch yourself saying something negative, change it to something more constructive. For example, “I can’t believe how clumsy I am. Oops. I meant to say, ‘Sometimes I make mistakes, but I’m learning from them and I can do better next time.’”
  • Use a positive tone.  It’s not just what we say to, and around, our kids that matters – how we say it is just as powerful. Nagging, sarcasm, yelling and so on will have a negative influence on your child’s self-esteem and self-talk.  Use a kind, loving tone to positively shape your child’s inner voice.

Have a fantastic day.

xx

Too Close to Home

Today’s Mantra: Life is beautiful

I watched a show last night that really got to me. I won’t say what it was in case I spoil the plot.

It’s amazing how your mind let’s you get on with things and how life lets you move on from tragedy. You never forget, but you heal.

Last night one of the show’s main characters was giving birth to a baby who she knew would not survive.  It was gritty and real and so emotional for me.

She was in a hospital room, not unlike mine. She was in pain and wanted to go through the pain so that at least some of the hurt would seem real.

I could understand that. I knew that Sophia had died for two days before I gave birth to her but the reality of waking up that day knowing that I would be in labour was terrifying.The birth experience was beyond excruciating emotionally but thankfully, mild physically.

For dramatic effect the character had pushed everyone away and for the majority of the labour she was alone. Alone with her thoughts. Alone with her pain. Alone with the terror.

I know it is a fictitious show but there are people out there, I’m sure, who go through unspeakable things like this alone.

I am so lucky to be secure in the knowledge that whatever happens I will never be alone.

My husband was with me every step of the way when I gave birth to our daughter. If he wasn’t my Mum would have been there, or my Dad, or my Brother, or my best friend, or my Mother-in-law, Sister-in-law, Brother-in-law, my Nanna or even my Grandpa. I have friends who would have dropped everything and the list goes on.

I feel blessed and lucky every day for the people in my life.

And so I cried while I watched the show and made a pledge to go see Sophia’s memorial on the weekend.

Then I got up the next day, went for a run and moaned for the rest of the day about how cold and painful my ears were during it. I then wondered if they make leopard print ear muffs.

Life goes on.

Motherhood

I wrote yesterday’s blog and it hit home with a few people, they identified, they sympathized.

But…we all know, and yesterday it went unsaid, that we wouldn’t change a thing.

I love motherhood. I am the happiest i have ever been. The soft smell of my babies head, the cheeky-grin from my toddler, the decision-making, the blame, the responsibility – i take it all in and smile.

They light up my day, my week, my life.

To everyone that has kids, i know, they feel the same.

As teenagers we used to laugh that our mothers had nothing better to do than talk about us and our shortcomings/attributes.

As mothers we know that its not that simple. Our children are entwined into our being and you can’t separate that. Their hurts, their triumphs are ours too.

When I lost Sophia, everyone who was a Mum, lost something too. Losing a little of the belief that it would all be okay. It brought home  to them that nightmares do come true.

But at the same time, a child who was not born with breath, brought more love to me than I have ever known. My friends and family shed tears for her, for me and for our family and helped heal my pain.

For every wink we don’t sleep and each day that flies by, filled with fights, laughter and life, we grow as mothers.  We get stronger, more compentent and more able to deal with what’s ahead of us.

As with labour, we don’t remember the pain, only the joy.

The joy is what we all take away from this journey.